Bringing Perspective to Two Years

In the midst of the seemingly senseless memorization of vocabulary, paradigms, grammar and syntax rules, the Exegesis program at Wheaton will hopefully in the end help to steer me to a cleaner and clearer picture of God. There is frustration as I try to re-learn all the foreign languages components that have slipped away since my beginning languages courses. Instead of me thinking and coming to a fuller picture of God and His Word, I again focus my mind to memorize paradigms, etc. that will slip away again shortly. It downright angers me that so much of the past two years of my life has been spent trying to cram and memorize language that slips away ever so quickly, rather than focusing my time learning about God. Now with the end of my time at Wheaton coming to a close I have not grown like I should, and the program has not changed me and developed in me as I had hoped. No, I don't blame Wheaton, it's a good place, and the Exegesis is a good program (kinda, especially if you know the languages before entering the program), it is my fault and my problem I take full credit for the blunders, it's been a rough two years which is not over yet.

So, how to move on from the bleek. God changes and grows us in ways we do not yet fully know or understand. I think a little more, and am slower to talk now before the Almighty Lord. I take this as a good thing. I stand in awe of His ways more, leaving me speechless.

I think one of the best incites I have learned (props to Dr. Walton) came in thinking about the story of Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac. In short what I learned goes as follows. In Abraham's life (prior to Gen 22), each time God tells Abraham to give up something and follow the Lord's lead, the Lord in turn says He will give Abraham something. Example: Leave your country and God will make you into a great nation, etc (Gen 12:1-3). [sidenote: and isn't it interesting that in our day we say, leave your metaphorical "Ur", you will enter into relationship with God, and God in turn will give you heaven.] However, the Gen 22 sacrificing of Abraham's breaks the mold in a very distinct way. This time Abraham is to give up his son, and there is no direct gift that God will give Abraham in return. Long story short, the point is, God asks Abraham, if you have nothing, no son, no great nation, in a foreign and strange country where the Lord has brought you, and you have nothing left but the Lord, is this enough for you. Prove it by killing your son.

So, I ask myself this to bring me closer to the Lord, and I challenge you frequent ask this to yourself as well. If you have nothing to show for your years, nothing at all, will you still be content with the Lord? For Abraham, it was the covenant blessing, this was his all in all that he must be willing to say does not matter in light of communion with the Lord. For us, it is nothing short of salvation itself. God is not asking us to give up and kill our son or our daughter. God is asking about heaven. Would you follow God if you get nothing in return? Or do we follow God only because of what we get in return? For Abraham, he would leave his land, and have hopes to be a great nation, killing his only son, he would destroy all of these hopes. For Abraham, he made the statement, he would kill his son, and if it turned out that he was only left with God, it would still be enough. How about me and you? If evangelism was not driven by heaven talk all the time, and heaven this and heaven that in our evangelistic conversations and we didn't dangle God's gifts in front of everyone all the time, where would we answer in our hearts? God could've taken away Isaac, and bam, Abraham would lose all his hopes and his dreams. But Abraham new the true value of having a relationship with the Lord, and in fact loved the Lord. What about us? If there was no heaven, and God said just me and you, is your relationship with God enough for you? Are you satisified with only having God? Would you still follow God, or do you only follow because you want His gifts?

In thinking about this weighty issue, my 2 years in the Exegesis program, success or not, whatever standards we go by, competency exam past or not, $20,000 plus down the drain, and part of my sanity lost, I at least have these thoughts in my mind. And for me, and I think for God's larger plan for my life, I by faith say that it was worth it. And because of my reflection of Gen 22, a closer more honest relationship with God for it. ...No more son for Abraham meant no covenant blessing, meant nothing to show for his life, meant in leaving Ur all he had to show for his life was a gained relationship with God. Is this enough for me? No gifts, no heaven, nothing to cloud the picture. God asks, "Would you be content if all you had was Me?" When I walk away from Wheaton, however I come out, at least I'll still have life and Sovereign God.

Finally, would we kill heaven, would we give up heaven if God asked for that sacrifice? Do we love God, or do we just love heaven?